Happy Birthday Charlotte Anne! October 8, 2011

My last post was fore telling.  I asked for a week to get ready.  Didn't quite get it!

Charlotte Anne Phillips made her early, yet safe arrival at 5:52 am on Saturday, October 8, 2011.  33weeks and 5days. WOW!

She weighed in at 5lbs and 14 ozs and was 18 inches long.  Could we imagine another 6 weeks? Big baby!

She is doing well, breathing on her own, starting to suckle at my breast and just BEAUTIFUL!

So what happened in the few days since my last post?

On Monday we sorted out all the gifts and returned the duplicates.  We purchased the car seat and some other things we needed and some things we didn't but wanted for our little girl.

On Tuesday Charles washed and folded all her clothes and bedding. He continued to get some of her stuff ready.

Wednesday morning Charles woke and said to me "Pack your bags."-literally this was the first thing he said to me! I laughed and asked if he had had a dream. He said no but insisted I do it.  That night after work I packed a bag for me, put most of Charlotte's clothes away and packed a bag for her.

On Thursday Charles was going to install the car seat but I left early to vote and to pick up my Nestle diaper bag and formula.

I worked Thursday 3-11pm in the housekeeping dept. As soon as I got there the staff were commenting how much I had popped and that there was no way I would make it another 6 weeks! I explained that I was measuring ahead by 3 weeks and probably would have her near the 1st of November.  One gal kept asking me if I needed a lift to Labour and Delivery!  I would just laugh.  Little did I know...

When I got home I had a nice bowl of cereal and waited for Charles to get home. I had an appointment the next day with the Diabetes clinic due to my high sugars and my baby measuring ahead. As I sat waiting I felt a trickle.  Then another. I thought it was weird and assumed I really had to pee and went to the bathroom. When I sat the "pee" came out on it's own. I thought it was strange.  I went upstairs to head to bed. I made a comment to Charles that we may have to take a trip to OB triage as I thought I was "leaking". I sat again and more "pee" came out fairly easily, seemingly on its own. I had Charles get the baby book and I looked up what my "waters" would be like, had they broke. Colour, smell, etc. I couldn't really discern, as the book said "straw colour" which to me is yellow and looks like pee.  However, upon checking the TP there was some Pink so I said we are going. We grabbed the bag I packed and switched it to a bigger bag and added Charles clothes.  I grabbed a quick shower and called the neighbour to take the dog. And off we went...

As I walked from the car to the door, I felt my pants get wet. I got inside and the security guard asked if I needed a wheelchair and I said yes, but I need to "pee". I got into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and WHOOOOOOSSSSHHHH--my water REALLY broke. Thank goodness I was on the toilet!

We headed up to OB triage and I told them my water broke. "How do you know?" the one nurse asked. Really? REALLY?  I explained what happened and she still didn't beleive me and tested me for amniotic fluid. Yup, my water broke.  The nurse went through her routine.  When I told her I was only 33weeks and 4 days, she went to check to see if the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) was open and mentioned that if it wasn't I would be "going for a ride."  To where? London or Toronto or even Detroit. Luckily they had some beds. However, she also told me that even though my water had broke, they could try and keep me pregnant and stop labour as long as they gave me antibiotics and fluids. Strict bed rest. (I had read this in "what to expect" as well). When she checked my cervix, she said she couldn't really find it! Weird....

I was given a steroid shot to help strengthen baby's lungs and started on antibiotics.  I was having some dull cramps in my back but no contractions.  I was taken to a room and tried to get some sleep (impossible). At 7 am the cramps were more frequent and a little uncomfortable.  I was given some Percocet which helped. At 9am I was taken for an ultrasound of my cervix.  When I got back to my room I started having pains again--I really thought it was gas pains and was telling everyone I needed to fart!! Can you say DENIAL?

My OB came up soon after and told me that my cervix had completey effaced, meaning there was no going back!  I was in labour and going to have a baby in the next 48 hours!  They would monitor me and try and get me to labour until at least 2 am Saturday so they could give me a second steroid shot. 

I was then taken to high risk labour and delivery. I was given Demerol and gravol for my "gas pains" aka back labour. I had my own nurse and was never left alone. I stayed busy texting and calling everyone with updates.  They checked my blood sugar everyhour...my poor fingers!! Eventually I was so tired and kept snoozing.  The demerol lasted about 4 hours and then I would be given more. I remember asking the nurse for something to eat and she laughed at me and said no. She said the sugar water I was hooked up to will soon satisfy me...and it did! 

I was visited by the endocarnoligist who gave me a stern lecture on Diabetes and reminded me to lose weight after baby came. I said of course--I had already planned on it!
Then the NICU Doctor came and told us all about 33 week old babies and that she would be in the NICU at least 3 weeks and explained the things that could need attention or what things they worry about in preemies. However, he was very positive that she would be just fine. It was quite shocking too both Charles and I and I finally realized the severity of the situation.

Throughout the day and into the night my contractions would get intense but I managed to breath through them. I had quite a few visitors and phone calls but eventually was just to tired and kept falling asleep. I still had only demerol and gravol for pain. A few times I thought I was going to vomit.  Let me tell you how hard it is to fly up into a sitting position to vomit while contracting.

My night nurse was also named Heather and was 20 weeks pregnant.  She was really nice and fun! She got me a big bean bag ball to put between my legs so I could lie on my side.  Around 9pm she checked me and said I was 6-7 cm's. She suggested I get the epidural, as I was entering active labour and the demerol would not cut it!  So by 10:00pm I had my epidural. And I went back to sleep!  I have to mention that during this time my Mom, and Charles parents waited and tried to find places to sleep while I laboured. Charles snoozed in the lounge chair in the room.

Around midnight my sugar reading was high.  An hour later it was still high and I received an insulin shot. At 2 am I recieved a second dose of steriods. Then the nurse started oxytocin/pitocin to speed up labour as my water had been ruptured for more than 24 hours. My sugar was still high and I got more insulin. At 2:30 am the nurse checked me and said I was 8-9 (I think).  My sugar was still high and the endocarnoligist ordered an IV drip of insulin.  While my nurse went to get the IV drugs I felt a new pressure down below but did not say anything. When she returned with my insulin she had two other nurses there to help insert a new IV location, as I had real crappy veins.  It took the other nurse, Shelley, two tries but she finally got it after a half hour! This is very normal for me and I am used to multiple pricks for bloodwork or IV's!

After the Insulin was flowing I asked my nurse to check me one more time.  I told her that after the last check I felt pressure. She checked me and I was 10cm! It was 3:30 am.  Very exciting.  She sat me in an upright position and said we would wait and hour and let gravity work!

At 4:30 am I was wheeled into the c-section room to deliver.  This was because it is attached to the NICU and that is where baby was going.  I spent the next hour practicing pushing. The OB came in around 5:40 am and at 5:52 am Charlotte Anne entered the world.  She was put on my chest but I was not allowed to touch her.  Charles cut the cord and the NICU team whisked her away from me to check her vitals and make sure she was breathing properly.  Before they did she had her eyes open and made a small sound and I knew she was fine.

She weighed 2668 grams (5 pounds and 14 ounces--big preemie). She was 46 cm's long (18 inches). She scored 9 and 9 on her APGAR tests and needed no breathing assistance.  She was taken to the NICU and Charles was able to go be with her.  I was taken to recovery and expected to be able to see her within an hour and back to my room shortly there after.  However, my bleeding was pretty heavy and the nurses were concerned.  The OB had to come back and take care of business. Luckily whatever the OB did worked and I was soon in a wheelchair being taken to see my precious little girl. It was kind of scary at first as she was hooked up to an IV, heart monitor and pulse/ox. So there were wires everywhere! It was hard to leave her in the NICU but I knew that was the best place for her.

The nurses and Dr's in the NICU and post-partum were excellent.  I was allowed to stay an extra night so that I could visit baby whenever I wanted to.  Throughout the weekend we had lots of visitors and well wishes. When we left on Monday it was very hard leaving our baby behind. Although it was exciting that she was here, I knew I was in for a long haul! 

She spent 3 weeks in the NICU where she battled jaundice (like most babies) and learned to suck swallow and breath! Best of all she is quite healthy.  She does have a small heart murmur but that should clear up soon--it would probably not been detected had we not been in the NICU. (I will post about our NICU experience soon.)

After 8 years of trying, 7.5 months of pregnancy and 3 anxious weeks waiting, she came home on Sunday, October 30.  We are adjusting well. And happier than we could have ever imagined!!

33 Weeks! Are we Ready Yet?

33 weeks! Less than 7 weeks to go! So damn exciting!  I am starting to get nervous about labour, mostly the **ahem** pooping part. I know everyone does...but really not looking forward to that!

Baby girl is measuring about 3 weeks ahead according to a recent ultrasound and fundal height. This is probably because of my sugars. Poop. I am trying really hard. I see the diabetes Dr this Friday. Hoping for a stern lecture, fearing it will be insulin injections though.

My baby shower was this past weekend. It was just great.  I kept the tears in check, only crying a few times, mostly when I would go to the bathroom and be alone with my thoughts.  I cried when I saw the book/cd my mom bought for the baby "I hope you dance" book which included the CD with the song by LeeAnn Womack. I didn't read the inscription and still haven't! Too emotional.  Then when my friend from my old job came and it just brought back all that we've been through to get here. **cue crying as I type** I don't know if I will ever get "over" that time in my life. I am glad to be moving on, but it still so much of who I am today.

Anyways, we got so much it is unbelievable! Clothes, diapers and wipes, we are set for 2 years!! We received enough cash and gift cards plus some return credit from duplicate items, to buy the car seat, change pad, thermometer and other odds and ends needed, including receiving blankets (didn't get any!!). There is still enough money left to buy the breast pump when the time comes.  Really feel blessed and loved!

So now every thing is sitting in our family room waiting to be used! All the clothes (newborn and 3-6 month) is ready to be washed. The rest of the stuff needs to be organized and places found to store. So even though she could come sooner than later, please give us a week to get it organized!!!

30 Weeks

Wow! Only ten left. Two and a half months. 60someodd days.
Still so much to do and think about. Still procrastinating on most things.  Was going to get my hostess gifts today but read a book instead. I won't have many days like this for a long time. I really want to pack my bags but it is way to early. We did however, buy toothbrush and toothpaste to go into the bag. Exciting.

So far pregnancy has been really great! A few bumps in the road but I feel good overall. Normal aches and pains. This third trimester is much like the first. Upset stomach, tired, cranky.  I am enjoying feeling the movements. The kicks and punches and hiccups. It is so neat to watch my belly jump and move. I really was worried I would not be able to feel it, let alone have Charles feel the movements. It really is a miracle. The only recent bummer is that although I passed my gluclose tolerance test, it was pretty close to failing. So Dr H wants me to see a nutrionist and diabetes Dr. joy.  And of course now that I really have to watch my carb intake, the cravings/wants are ridiculous. Yesterday I saw sour keys and had to contain myself! OH WELL, ten more weeks, no big deal. I can do this.

Charles is painting the main floor. His anxiety to get stuff done is cute. I don't think he's watched more than 2 hours of TV this week. I am so lucky to have a great husband!

I am so excited for my shower in two weeks. Then it will all feel real. We will have many things we need and know what else has to be purchased. I know that clothes will not be an issue. I think we already have enough for the first year! HAHA not really but close. I think that she will be very spoiled by her grandma's and aunty and cousins!

I am so happy and thankful. For so long I never thought I would get here. Unassisted to boot! It's amazing what a few life changes can do for a gal...

Almost Done the Second trimester!

I am now 27 weeks 4 days pregnant.  I haven't posted in a month! I have been writing in my little journal too.

Within the last two weeks Charles was able to feel the baby kick, once.  Since then she kicks and by the time he puts his hands on my belly she stops or moves and he misses it.  I think in the next few weeks the movement will be stronger and he'll feel more. 

I have been feeling good overall. I have a bit more energy and have started 'nesting'. I want to get orgnaized and be ready.  Her room is pretty much set up, just some finishing touches needed. I have already been blessed by my good friend Rachel with all types of clothes and sheets and even diapers! Plus the bassinet. My mom and mother in law have bought some outfits.  My favourite thing is a bib that my mom got as part of a set. It says "Mommy Dream come true." So sweet and true!

Although I have been feeling good overall, I have some issues. For quite a few weeks, she sat on my sciatica nerve and it really affected my bum. Now it has moved and there must be a crotch nerve cuz my left leg/groin area is so sore and it hurts!

In other TMI news, I have been leaking a little here and there from my nipples since about week 20. Last week I woke up and my nightie was stained. Then throughout the day I stained a breast pad (I had some handy). I was pretty excited cuz I really want to nurse.  Yesterday I woke up and my right nipple was puffy and very sore. Mastitsis. Awesome. So now I am on antibiotics and hoping this is the one and only time it happens. It really hurts!

And I think my sugar is screwed.  WAAAAAHHHHHHH  I was doing really well. But apparenly I cannot blame myself, but will have to eat properly. And for this carb addict, once recovered and now off the wagon, it will be hard.  But I will make sure to eat healthy and ensure my baby girl is healthy too!

Other than that, I am so happy to be here, at 27 weeks. Less than 3 months to go!

Kicks and Hicks.

I have been feeling the baby move now for almost 10 weeks.  At first it was very infrequent and hard to distinguish between movement and gas but eventually I could.

In the last week I have felt a lot more movement and it's almost regular, at certain times of the day.  Charles and I are both anxious for him to feel the kicks too. Until a few days ago I only felt the movements on my insides.

On Tuesday morning I was lying in bed on my left side.  I have determined that little miss doesn't always enjoy when I am on my left side.  I had my hand on the right side of my belly and sure enough I felt the thumping. It was amazing.  I was so disappointed Charles wasn't there to feel it.  So since Tuesday night we spend some time each night trying to get her to kick Daddy. This morning she kicked me twice and I called for him but she stopped once he arrived.  I hope that he feels something this weekend for sure.

I am so greatful to be here. There have been too many sad days where I never thought I would feel a kick or find out "what we're having".  It is surreal that we are here and I give thanks to God each day for this miracle.

23 weeks 3Days

I don't know why but Thursday's feel like a new pregnancy week to me even though it is only the half way mark through each week.

At week 20 we had the "BIG" ultrasound.  I was extremely anxietied but as soon as the tech showed me the heart beating I relaxed. I asked if we could find out the gender and she said she would try. Well the little stinker would not cooperate. In fact after an hour I was told to come back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound as all the measurements couldn't be taken.

We were quite pleased with the scan and got a great profile shot.  Disappointed that we didn't find out gender but I have been preparing to be team green since the beggining. Part of me wanted that surprise on delivery day. 

After the scan we went and registered at Babies R us and went over to the states and bought  a crib. Hubby painted all the trim in the babies room, the hallway, kitchen and living/dining room and front hall. He still has the bathroom and our room to freshen up.

Last Tuesday, July 19 (my parents anniversary) we had the follow up scan. My mom was there again with Captain and I.  Once again the little stinker was not cooperating placing his/her hands over their face when the tech was tryign to check lips and nose. the tech got a good shot of the spine and then announced she knew what we were having and did I want to know now or wait for my husband?  I said wait and assumed that it was a boy because she never stayed and looked hard, it seemed like she glances, saw some dangles and moved on. The baby was in a poor position to get the heart measurements. So the tech got my mom and Charles to show us the gender.

The tech moved the wand over my belly and stopped and asked us to guess. I couldn't make out any shapes or images until she said  "You see these three lines?"  "GIRL" I exclaimed, knowing that 3 lines is a girl. She confirmed it. Charles and I squeezed hands and my mom was beaming away. 

The tech then said she was getting a second tech to try and get all the shots needed of the heart. The second tech was able to get the shots and I was able to leave. 

Needless to say we are very happy that baby girl is healthy.  My nieces and sister in laws are excited that it's a girl.  I have only bought one outfit and am trying to refrain because I think this little girl will be well dressed for her first 2 years without us buying anything!

So although I initially wanted the surprise at birth I am glad that we found out.  Of course, there will be one surprise at birth...Red or Brown hair? HMMMMM

Shy Baby!

I was so anxious for this last ultrasound I had to do deep breathing while waiting for the tech to come in. They always ask about what number pregnancy this is and I tell them and say that I am nervous. She was very nice and as soon as she had the heartbeat she turned the screen and showed me. I completely relaxed at that point.

The tech wasn't able to get all the measurements so we go back in 2 weeks. As well, the baby decided to keep with Mommies original plan and have its legs crossed! Everyone wants to know so badly what we are having but I have always wanted to be team green. Well, sort of. I am okay if we find out but I think the surprise on delviery day will be awesome.  Most people just want to know to buy baby clothes, which is great but if the baby wears green/yellow/white/brown, for the first few weeks, then so be it. I can always buy some second hand boy and girl clothes to have on hand.

So as far as we know everything is healthy. I have a regular OB appt next week. I am feeling some movement more and more and can't wait for hubby to feel it too!

20 Weeks!

Well our little beaner is half baked! Can you beleive it? It seems surreal to have gotten this far! I continue to pray and hope that in 20 weeks give or take, we will be welcoming our little cherub into the world!

Tomorrow is our anatomy scan. My anxiety is high but I feel really confident that all is well. That also scares me. I think after tomorrow's scan and hearing good results I will finally feel like this is it. At this point I am not sure what I would do if anything bad happens.

And I will start the shopping. First things are to order the free diaper bag and formula. Then the star trek onsie. Then slowly but surely the furniture and start the registrey.

Overall I am happy and excited and can`t wait to see out beaner tomorrow!

Are you going to find out what you're having?

....Well I really hope it's a baby! Oh and that it has all the required parts and my cervix is good and the placenta is good. That's what I want to find out.  I know people tend to live in the moment and are just so happy that I am pregnant and now 19 weeks (tomorrow). Some may not remember or even realize the struggles we've faced. Some just want to "think positively" and assume everything will be perfect! Hell, that's what I would love to do. But after 8 years and 5 losses, I can wait until the delivery room to determine if it's a girl or boy!

But I cannot forget what I have experienced. I cannot pretend that just because we have suffered ALOT already that it means we get a free ride with this one or any future pregnancies. But I hate being the Debbie Downer. So I am just vague about finding out about the sex. I want to say "that's really not important to me at this point." Maybe for the next week I will say that! Ha! And really snottily too. Yes, part of me wants to know now but part of me just wants to know that I will make it another 20 weeks. And that the end result will be a bouncing baby...whatever. Just healthy and alive. That's all I really want. My kid can wear white and yellow and greeen and brown and orange for the first year of his/her life. I really don't care. And when people ask "Is it a boy or a girl." I will reply "It's alive! Who cares about penises or vagina's?? IT'S HEALTHY."
And maybe we will call it PAT.

Phew!

Heartbeat at 155-160!  Could it be a girl? 2 more weeks and we'll know!

Anxiety!

We have a Dr's appointment tomorrow.  I always feel anxious the week before these appointments.  I think it's because I am not feeling much, if anything yet. Expecially with the Anterior Placenta thing!  I had a bad dream the other night and maybe that is what started it. All I know is that I am anxious.

I also don't know what to do about the work thing.  I think I will provide him the details of the past two weeks and what my boss asked and let him make the decision. I have my schedule for the next few weeks so that is good but I only have 37.50 hours over 2 weeks. And it doesn't look like there is much opportunity for getting more hours. I feel she thinks I am invalid because I am pregnant and won't be able to handle it.  Let me be the judge of that.

So tomorrow will be another milestone, a chance to see my baby and hopefully some good news about work! (as in not having to go anymore!)

17 Weeks 1 Day

Still truckin!  I have an OB appointment this Thursday so we will get to see the little monkey soon. Or at least hear the clippity-clop of the heart! 

It seems I always get most anxious in the week before my appointments.  The other night I had a dream that I lost the baby but it didn't physically hurt and I went right back to work without crying. The worst was having to tell everyone. I think I am feeling some action, but nothing I can say for sure.  A few times I have been sleeping on my belly and I feel as though I am getting punched and told to roll my ass over! LOL  I also had some braxton hicks, I think. A tightening of the belly? Not painful. Will speak to Dr about this as well.

I went for accupuncture yesterday for my lower back and my foot.  My foot is feeling marginally better and I really won't know about my back until I try to go for a walk, which won't be until later.

I am hoping that my Dr puts me off work now. I am not comfortable there anymore.  The one campus is under construction and I got heat stroke while sitting at a desk, not good!! As well there is construction dust and who knows what floating in the air!! I have aheadache everytime I leave there.

So everything is going great!

15 down 25 to go

I am now 15 weeks pregnant. everything is going smashingly! My nausea is pretty much gone. I still get tired but not exhausted.  My sleep is sporadic and uncomfortable throughout the night.  Not cool when I have 25 more weeks to go.  My back, legs and feet cannot handle too much walking.

It's summer and it's hot. I never do well in the heat so this year should be super fun!  We may look into a pool, but very doubtful that we would get one.  We have to make our money stretch. I still have 12 more credits to get and that cost is  $7500-$9000. plus books and parking!

In the last week I have felt the first flutters once or twice.  Well, I think they were flutters, but possibly just gas! I still have some other  symptoms and I am still confident that all is good!

My big ultrasound is set for July 5! Less than 5 weeks away! So excited.

13 Weeks 3Days AKA 2nd Trimester!

Made it! 2nd Trimester. 13, almost 14 weeks! I am here and I am moving on, through each week and each fruit and each stage.  There is no going back now.

I went Public, on the Book of Face. Posted the ultrasound pictures and a status that read "approx 186 more sleeps."  I started to write a "note" outlining our journey. I couldn't get through it without bawling.  I stopped writing when the phone rang.  I am not sure if I will post it, maybe as we get closer.

We had our 5th appointment today.  Peed in a cup. Got weighed (not good). Blood Pressure--awesome!! Heartbeat found on doppler but Dr still did a quick ultrasound.  The placenta is anterior meaning that it's in the front so detecting the heartbeat or hearing it good will be harder.  As well, other people feeling kicks, when they happen, will be harder to feel. Oh well.  Everything looked good.  Baby looked fat! LOL 

Next appointment at 17 weeks and then the BIG ultrasound a few weeks after that. Hoping the next 6 weeks fly by! 

Floating on air.

Happy Mother's Day

12 weeks (pretty much).

Spotting this week, saw the baby again! Heartrate was 196. Measured a day ahead. Still spotting, brown. Trying not to worry but it's hard.

Thursday night started "post-nasal drip" which is generally caused by allergies. Friday, feeling worse, saturday seemed to be better and this morning I woke up not able to talk, due to it having moved to my chest! So I had to cancel my plans with my Mom and wasn't able to go to The Ridge with DH's family! I went to the clinic and I have an ear infection. On some penicilin. Can only take tylenol.  Over the past few days though, I have taken some sinus tylenol and a benedryl, hoping they were safe enough. I did look in my book and on the web.  There were indications of birth defects but you have to wonder if it is from using it sporadically or daily use? Trying not freak out, knowing what my SIL took before she found out she was pregnant and my nephew is fine.

I had thought that today might be an easier Mother's day than some of my past ones.  It was but there is still sadness.  First, I am not out on "face-book" yet. So no wishes from my family even. As well, many people who know of my losses are not going to see me as a mom. I have no living childern. But I carried a few in my womb, even for a short while. So it still hurts to not get the wishes from people.

I then par took in my favourite Sunday activity... http://www.postsecret.com/ I knew that many of the secrets would be about mom's.  But a few started me bawling. 
One said "I am 34 and told I have bad eggs. My mom asks me everyday when she is going to be grandmother. I don't have the heart to tell her." 

The next one put me over the edge "Happy Mother's Day. I fear those are word's I'll never hear." Even though I am almost to the safety zone, I still fear that I will not hear those words. It is a fear I have had for the past 5 years.  It comes from underneath the optimistic and ever hopeful, from a place where probability and dispair lurk.  It comes from the "What if this one doesn't work out?" Do we try again and again? Or do we admit defeat and choose a child free life?  At this point I would be embarassed if I lost this baby. Embarassed! I would loath the pity people would send my way. The theories as to why I cannot have children.

So Happy Mother's day.  I pray this is the last one where I am saying it and not hearing it.

10Weeks! We did it!

I made it to 10weeks!

Heart rate on ultrasound 184bpm. Heart rate on doppler at OB's 160 bpm.  Measuring 10w1d!

Saw baby kicking and punching! It was amazing.

Such a relief and a joy.

Just 30 weeks to go!  We can do this!

This is our little button. To the right is his/her head and to the left-2little white blobs-are it's legs! The most amazing thing ever!

Still over the moon!

9 Weeks!

Today I am 9 weeks pregnant. I have never made it this far. I still feel pregnant, although some symptoms have lessened and I am trying very hard not to worry.  From what I am reading on FF, I see many woman who's symptoms subside around 8 weeks and then just visit every few days.  But I'll tell you the truth, I relish the moments when my boobs get those good old stabbing pains!  My nausea is pretty much gone but has been replaced with an immense hunger. 

One more week and we will see our beaner again. At 10 weeks it will actually look more like a baby than a tadpole.

This week my parents come home and then it is Good Friday and Easter! It will be a great week!

So LAZY!

Is it normal to feel so lazy in the first trimester? So unmotivated.  I mean I have always been a procrastinator of sorts but this is ridiculous. I hope that it goes away when I hit the 2nd trimester.  Well, yesterday I had a bout of getting stuff done. hmmm.

I feel pregnant! Although I am still so nervous, I have symptoms still.  I hate the doubt. The nag in the back of my head.  Maybe it is a protection mechanism, so that if something happens, I can say I knew. But I know that I can't! I would be very surprised if this pregnancy ends before 38 weeks. It just feels so right.

Sigh...

Should be researching!

It's 8 am on a Wednesday and I am fooling around on the puter. I should be researching for my final project for Cyber Ethics but as per usual I am procrastinating!  OH well. I will get it done. 

I have been feeling good overall. Tired, nausea, hunger, weepy, crampies and of course the sore nips. I still get anxious if my boobs don't hurt when I so much as touch them.  Then a few hours later they will get stabbing pains! I keep getting small cramps in my pelvic area.  They worry me but they shouldn't. Again another week of no spotting and I couldn't be more happier. Of course I am still so nervous and anxious and keep waiting for the bottom to fall out. "Don't borrow trouble!" That has to be my motto.  I guess this is all weird to me to have a normal pregnancy.

My next ultrasound isn't for another week and a half. I am very excited to see the bean again and hope s/he looks like a baby! I will be 10 weeks! 

I am still in awe and shock. I am overwhelmed and excited.  I am anxious to get to the 2nd trimester. Then it will start getting really real!

Good Appointment

Well it was good because the bean is still beating away! The tech was pretty rough and poor Captain didn't get to see anything.  He was pretty upset. 

After the scan we waited for Dr. H and he went over the results and set a due date of November 21. So I am about 7weeks 5days today. He asked how I was feeling and I told him about the nausea. He said just eat what I could and try not too worry about too much right now. On Friday  and today my nausea is not too bad, which is good but worries me. Think positive! My lower back is also really sore but it could be from picking up my nephew.

The heartrate was 107. Now the Dr did say this is good. But of course I worried. On the bulletin boards I visit I always see mom's posting about the heartrate being well over 120, even at 6 weeks. So I did some research.  I found at least two sites that say the 107BPM for 7weeks is fine. I found others that said anything under 120 is poopy. But on those sites I coouldn't tell if they were talking about fetal age or gestional.

So I go again on the 25th and I am excited for that. The next two weeks will fly by and my parents will be home for Easter weekend!

One More Sleep!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, my ultrasound is tomorrow! It's only a DA-AY AHHHHWWAAAAYYY! (sung on the style of the theme from Annie).

I am super-uber excited. The Captain will be with me this time and that is great. I can't wait to see the flicker of the heartbeat and get the BPM and the CRL and all the good stuff. Cuz it's all gonna be good! This I have faith in. I am hoping it looks more like a baby but I am just as happy with a bean.

I have to admit, I am a little nervous.  I am not sure if I will ever be 100% confident that this pregnancy will be a success.  Well, really it has been a success. I have made it to 7w4d without any major issues. My spotting episode had nothing to really do with the health or viability of my baby. 

Some things I have noticed. My dog and cat are more affectionate then before. Sadie is constantly cuddling with me and when we sleep she seems to be pushed up against me.  The cat follows me and stays nearby, even though she won't get into my lap on her own.

I am still having nausea, not when I wake up but throughout the day. I think it's what I am eating--too much carbs! I will have to work on this.

Overall, I am very optimistic and happy. I feel pregnant and am excited with the whole situation. I have told WAY to many people and hope that it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

6w6d

And we have a heartbeat.  After a wonderful 2 hour wait with my BFF, the Dr had a look and found the sac and fetal pole and the heartbeat.  I measured at 6w2d and 6w5d (he did 2 measurements). These are both fine considering we don't really know when I ovulated for sure.

We didn't see how many BPM but I wasn't too concerned. I just wanted to see something. On Thursday we will see the little beaner again. Now the Captain didn't come today because of work. I was sad but at least I had my good friend with me.

I have told so many people at this point! Now that I have, I am a little weary BUT I have such good positive vibes about this, I am not to worried. And they are all people who will support us regardless.

So my optimisim and positive thoughts have paid off yet again. I will keep on being positive and saying WHEN...not if.

Nervous Today

I go to the Dr's in about 2 hours. I am extremely nervous.  I am trying to be so optimistic but part of me feels it's better to think the worst so it won't hurt as bad.

Who am I kidding? This is going to hurt like hell. My spotting has turned brown and is there only when I wipe. For most people, brown spotting is the best spotting. For Heather, it really doesn't matter. Spotting is doomsday for me.

I just want to know.

Really?

It's good to be optimisitc. Since I got this BFP I have been very optimistic and looking forward to November. I kept saying WHEN and not IF. I had a few moments of doubt but my good symptoms and excellent numbers and making it to 6 weeks without any spotting, well I was very optimistic.

Today I was getting ready to go see my trainer. Yes I am still working out a bit and seeing my trainer. This was all part of the being positive thing. I had inserted my prometrium around 10:00. At 12:30 I peed and wiped and was very surprised to see the pink on my tp. At first I was calm and thought, this is nothing. I wiped more and more came. So I cancelled my trainer and called my OB who said Bedrest and will see me Friday Morning.

I am really hoping that I just bumped my cervix inserting those damn supossitories. But the cramping has me worried.
FML

Weepy

I am weepy. I am on a real emotional rollar coaster. But that's okay, I'll take it.

Yesterday I almost came home sick.  I was overtired (GRRRRR 5:30 am shifts) and I was Nauseous. Of course when I told the Captain he cheered.  Last night and today were better but I tried to eat a little better. This morning I had grapefruit and steel cut oats. Yum. This breakfast also helped with a little issue I had the last few days...constipation. I know TMI but it wouldn't be me if I didn't talk about the pooh.

During week 4 and 5 I was quite surprised and happy that I wasn't overly bloated and gassy and constipated. Though of course it worried me as well.  This was always a big problem for me.  The non-bloat probably had to do with my healthy eating habits. So this is good, right? Well leave it to me to start eating crap because I am pregnant. Why do I continue to sabotage myself? Luckily for me I met with Betty-Lou, my trainer, yesterday and she knocked some sense back into me. Today is a new day and a healthy start. And all I can say to that is "AHHHH! That's releif."

I don't think I noted my first ultrasound. It is next Thursday, April the 7th at 2:45. Part of me was bummed that I wasn't getting one this week, but that is probably for the best. I will be 7w5d next Thursday and we should see more. A heartbeat will be there. Maybe a baby shape? Not just a bean? Maybe twins? I dreamt last night of an ultrasound with a baby shape and a heartbeat.  I liked that dream. Then on Monday the 11th I will have my first pre-natal appointment.

Loving every minute...

6Weeks!!

I did not end up telling my bosses.  They weren't there and after speaking with my two co-workers they suggested I wait. I will try.  I have to stop talking about it. I have told 6 people at work.  I am sure I can trust them but it's easy to let things slip. Hell, even my own family Doctor told my Mom about one of my pregnancies before I did!

I am feeling okay-stomach troubles from time to time. Moody. Tired. Heartburn. Bitchy. Zitty. Glowing.

That last one was compliments of the Captain today. He said I was glowing. I responded, "No-I am greasy!" But that's part of the glow!!

Wowzers!

Yesterday's morning post was about the possibility of twins.  LOL  This was even before I got my Beta results back.

7500+
At 24 DPO they were over 7500. On  Betabase for 24DPO on the Twin chart is shows an average of about 6490.  I know I haven't been too high since the beginning but I am hopeful, nonetheless.

So a recap: 17DPO--->275
                  21DPO--->1527 doubling time of 31 hours
                 24DPO--->7500+doubling time of 40 hours
I can't get past my numbers.

Now let's talk about sleep.  I can fall asleep by 9pm but I wake up at 5:30/6:00am. Which really is enough time to sleep, over 8 hours. But then I am up early and tired by 6pm.  Today is a long day with a group meeting from 11:30-2:30 and then work from 4:30-8:30.

I am telling my employer today. I just think that with my history (which I have shared with them) they should know asap.  Part of me also knows I need to stop telling people.  I need to save this secreat! I need to have my family know first.  I can't wait to tell my and his parents.  I am looking forward to Easter dinner and I am going to leave the ultrasound picture on the fridge for my Sissy in Law to find out.  Oooo I just got weepy thinking about it. As for the Captains Siblings, I don't know how to make it as special for them. 

Could it be?

Maybe I am just being silly and obsessive but I kind of think this may be twins.  I really can't explain it. My hcg is not ridiculously high. My symptoms are definately not overwhelming. But something inside my heart and mind says Twins.

On one hand twins would be great. I could be done with babymaking after they are born. But twins would be hard for me to carry. I am already 75 pounds (used to be 100) overweight. I am only 4'10" with my shoes on. So how high risk would I be? Would I be able to go to school all summer? What would life with twins be like?

I am so over the moon in love with this pregnancy! I am 5.5 weeks along and have had no issues. No bleeding, no spotting (well just the little implantation spotting) and I generally feel optimistic about this whole damn thing.  I did have a lapse a few days ago waiting for my beta results. I started to not feel pregnant and that scared me.  My books say that loss of symptoms is doomsday. But other research suggests that symptoms come and go this early on. Hopefully by week 6 or 7 they will be ever present.

I can't wait for my ultrasound to be booked. Hopefully by tomorrow Tammy will have booked it.  The Captain may be laid off next week, so in a way that is good. He won't have to call in to work to come to my ultrasound.

So all in all I am very happy and optimistic. I have never before felt this way during a pregnancy for so long. I have known for almost 2 weeks!  I am  enjoying every moment of this journey!

Worth the Wait!

1527!!!
Doubling time of 31 hours. Over a 500% increase. Holy Shit!

I feel great about this. I feel calm and positive and hopeful.  The Capt'n and me started talking about how we will tell everyone.  I don't think I can wait until Easter to tell my parents or his. I see his mom a few times a week.  He says now to wait until after the ultrasound. Which should be early next week!

Before I called for my results I felt sick.  Not the "I'm so nervous I could vomit." sick but the "I'm pregnant" nausea.  I had eaten already so I knew it wasn't hunger. So I drank some water and felt somewhat better.  Now I have been hungry all day but don't know what I want! I made some baked mac and cheese and ate a ton but now I am very hungry again.

Now I wait for the final beta results. And then the ultrasound.  But after today I have a total sense of calm. Well, not really a total sense of calm.  When Tammy told me my results she indicated that the doctor wanted to see them come down more.  I said "wait a minute, I am NOT haveing a miscarriage!"  She apologized and I could tell she felt bad.  I repeated the number because I couldn't beleive it.  I then told her how good that was seeing that the number from 3.5 days prior was 275! She said that was great and told me to get one more draw and then she would set up my u/s and first prenatal.

So another day I am pregnant! This has been awesome. Still the best March 15th ever....

Waiting

I am waiting not-so-patiently for my blood results from Friday.  I am anxious and nervous and scared. I feel like vomitting. But not the mornign sickness kind!

I called my Ob's at 8:15 am and was told the results weren't in yet and to try back in the afternoon or tomorrow.  WTF?  I went Friday, the test was probably processed Friday night or Saturday. They fax teh reports quickly I would think.  So here I wait.  Until 1:30 or so.  I start work at 12:30.  Should I wait until the AM in case it is bad news? Or should I just deal with it right away. Better yet, why not think positively and say that the number is gonna be great?? 

I was looking back on some past pregnancy info--I have it all documented in an excel file. Pregnancy #3, the one with the heartbeat, I got my first BFP at about 20dpo after my period had come and gone.  On 21dpo my hcg was 143 and went to 296 in the 48 hours. At 5w6d we saw a hearbeat of 110. This right here is the reason to not be pessimistic. The big difference is that I did not get a period. I got my bfp at a respectable 12dpo or so. I really don't know when I ovualted so I could be more or less DPO than I am guessing.

My symptoms come and go. Saturday they were gone, Sunday they are back. Monday morning, not so much in the boob department. Woke up 4 times to pee last night. Very tired yesterday. Just trying to take it easy. I was crampy a couple of times yesterday, lower back. I have cramps in my sides as I type this. Not too bad but it is just so hard to think that they are the good cramps.

OH afternoon, please come soon!

5 weeks!

I went for another Beta hCG yesterday but won't get the results until Monday.  I am really nervous about these results.  They are the ones that make it or break it!  I also took a clear blue digital with conception indicator.   It said Pregnant-2-3. Which means I am 2-3 weeks since conception.  This would be right on. I found the beta levels the test use to determine weeks: 1-2 weeks 25, 2-3 200 and 3+ 20,000!! I was all ready to run out and buy another test to see if it would say 3+ today but now I am glad I didn't waste the 20 bucks.

Yesterday I was a little bummed and today a little too. Some symptoms have lessened, mainly boob pain.  It wasn't very much to begin with, just a slight tenderness.  Now I can poke them and squeeze and for the most part nothing.  But then it will come and go.  I am still peeing quite a bit.  I am EXTREMELY tired.  by 12:30 today I couldn't stop yawning.  Yes, the 5:30 am shift is early but usually I am not this tired.  The only thing that worries me that is that the symptoms are a by-product of the progesterone. 

So being a nervous nelly I googles loss of symptoms at 5 weeks.  I saw many posts regarding those who symptoms fell at 5 weeks only to return within the next 3 weeks at full force.  I hope that I am one of those ladies.

Only 36 hours or so until I find out.

And the number is......drumroll please....

275!!
For 17dpo I think this is a great number.  In the past my numbers start dismally.  Even tho Dr. H said he wanted to see it at 600 or so, from my research 275 seems just great for 17dpo.  So I will go again Friday after work and then wait 'patiently' over the weekend for the results. 

I worked with my personal trainer today.  She could see how tired I was after working all day and we just did strength training, at a lower intensity.  I felt better after my workout and went and got groceries.  I got home and could barely put my groceries away.  I was so freaking tired.  I went and started to watch my recorded show of GLEE but the Captain never adjusted the time on the PVR and therefore, my show was not recorded.  Hopefully I can grab it on-line.

So symptoms for today:
**tired**
**weepy**
**dumb (LOL)**
**boobs tender**
**nausea**
**heartburn**

Still positive, still happy, can't wait....

In love with her OBGYN

Not in that way!  he is just so happy and friendly and positive.  He was quite happy with my situation.

The nurse on the other hand was very blah.  I told her my story and she didn't crack a smile.  I think my story is awesome and I love telling it. Oh Well--she hears about BFP's each day!

So Dr. H prescribed me Progestone just in case, due to my short LP.  I really think it would be too late now but I will do whatever I have to, even stick 4 pills a day up my Woo.

I had blood drawn for a my Beta hCG and will call tomorrow for the results. I will go again Friday and possibly Monday.  Then he will schedule me a trans vag (more things up my woo) for THAT Friday or the Monday. Then I will start my monthly appointments with him. :) 

I went off the Glumetz.a and he will probably do my GD test earlier.  I am going to ask Dr PXS for a Rx for a glucose meter and then I can start monitoring.  I will continue to eat healthy and excercise and that will help as well.

Heartburn and nausea are here.  Boobs are hurting on and off. Peeing more. Tired. Back ache. Good times.

Getting Darker!

Yesterday I wrote that I am 4w0d but actually I am probably 4w3d today as I had one calculation wrong. Of course I really won't know until my first ultrasound.  My due date will be around November 19-21. EEEKKK 

I had been testing each day with $store tests and the lines don't really get much darker.  It was kinda depressing. So I went and threw $16 away on 2 First Responses.  I woke at 4:30 this morning (Insomnia?) and at 5:15 I got up and POAS and watched.  The line came slowly and faintly and my heart was sinking but soon enough it was darker and darker.  I compared to my one from 2 days ago and it seemed darker.  I was satisfied and went back to bed. I couldn't sleep. I gave thanks to the Lord for giving me a BFP after AF was late. I told Him I was ready for this journey and prayed for good outcomes. I couldn't fall back to sleep so now I am up and blogging, drinking a jasmine tea.  As well, my test is so DARK!

My appointment is today and I am very excited.

4w0d

WOW! I don't think I've ever known I was PG when I was only 4 weeks(and been late).  It's neat but nerve racking as well.  It's going to be a long 9 8 months! I am not complaining.  I have been waiting 3 years for this. I have been waiting 8 years to become a parent. We are ready for this.

Last night we had a family get together! We Skyped with my parents in Arizona and it was very difficult to not spill the beans. BUT I have a goal to wait the 9weeks until Easter and the last year Goals have been how I have acheived success!

When I found out my Ob appointment--you know the one to start fertility treatments--was scheduled for March 15th, I KNEW I would have a good March 15th this year.  Last year was okay as well. But this year will be great. It is ending my Ides of March curse. My hope had been that I would already be pregnant when I went in.  This is so cool.

I am also happy about how positive I have been.  Yes, I am having issues about the lines on my HPT's not getting dark enough, even though they are darker each day.  And I had a dream that I took my digital, with conception indicator and the results said Pregnant and it showed an hcg of 206.  I think it will be great if that is my initial number tomorrow.  Me and my dreams.

....There's More...

BFP!

After work Thursday night I POAS from the $store.  I saw a line, within the 10 minute time frame. I eagerly waited to tell the Captain. I see-sawed if I should wait until Tuesday or what.  But you know me, I can't keep this in! I showed him the test.  He saw the line.  But within an hour it seemed to be a grey evaporation line. I begged the Captain to go get me a First.Response test, as they are probably the best tests ever. he said NO, he didn't want to go out.  Oh well, I had a $store test for the am and I would just use that.

I went to bed at 7:30! I was exhausted! I woke at 9pm to pee and lo and behold, there was a FRER test waiting for me. I wanted to wait til the am to use it.  I tossed and turned on and off all night.  Everytime I woke with my thoughts, I just would think "It's not going to be positive. This would be too good to be true."

Friday March 11 @4:30 am.  I was working the 5:30 shift so I usually get up at 4 am.  However, I'd overslept and woke at 4:30.  I quickly peed on my stick. At first it seemed the colour passed over the "test" line and didn't stop. Then after a minute I thought I saw something.  I had to get ready fast so I jumped in the shower. When I got out there were TWO lines on the test, although light, still a definite positive.  I was so excited.  I left it out for the Captain to see.

On Friday evening I bought 6 more $store tests so I could do one each morning and one each afternoon. I also have a ClearBlue Digital with "Conception Indicator" that I am saving for later, not sure when but, later. Anyways, I got home and PIC and drop some peepee onto the test and within 3 minutes I had a definite, faint positive.

Saturday morning, approximately 14dpo. I POAS and PIC and use both a FRER and a $store test.  The FRER line came up fairly fast but at first I thought it was lighter than the day before and started to bum out. Then I could see that it was indeed darker! This is when I really started to get excited. The $store test was also positive and darker then the test from the afternoon before.

I didn't really have major symptoms before my BFP but there are a few things to note.
On Friday March 4, just 4-6 days after ovulation, I was working out when my right side started to really pinch and pull.  I worked through it, thinking it could just be work out pain. Another day shortly there after, I had the same pinching and pulling on both sides at the same time.  Part of me is excited for this but part of me worries that implantation happened where it shouldn't.
Throughout the last 2 weeks, on a couple of different occasions, I would turn over in bed and get the "pull" feeling in my sides, near my ovaries. This has been a symptom for almost each pregnancy.  But I tried not to get too excited as it's happened when I haven't been pregnant too.

In the last week I have had a headache everyday.  Kind of sinus like.  I only took regular Tyle.nol but one day I had aches and pains due to my work out so I took one Ibupro.phen. 
My skin is oily. My gums were swollen the one night.  I was semi-constipated for a day but I had taken an iron pill the night before, not knowing I was PG. My breasts seem bigger and at times will throb or be tender.  I am not really peeing more all the time but during the day I seem to be. I am more tired.  When eating I get full fast and then once I am full, thinking of food makes me quesy (not like me, believe me).  When I get up in the morning I am very hungry, not just hungry, LOL.  Overall, I want my symptoms to increase day by day.  I will not be upset if I vomit.  I have said it before, I will gladly take any morning sickness that comes my way!

If I remember correctly my symptoms usually came in stronger after the 4 week mark.  Of course many times I would be farther along than 3w5d when I found out.  Almost every other time I had a period before my BFP.  I am extremely thankful that my prayers were answered on this one.  I have asked God many times to give me a BFP after my period is late.  And this time my period was technically late, as I generally start at 11dpo. 

The Captain and I are excited but cautious as well.  I told him that we need to enjoy each moment and act as if the only outcome will be a healthy baby.  I have started to plan to garage sale with my neighbour for bargains. I am looking forward to finishing my degree while on MAT leave. It shouldn't be hard, I'll have lots of baby sitters, 2 nieces and 2 Auntie's will gladly babysit.  The Grandma's will babysit. The Grandpa's too!

I can't wait to tell our families the news.  I am planning on Easter sunday.  I will be just shy of 9 weeks. I am positive we will have seen the heartbeat(s?) twice. I have told 3 outside people plus my On-line community.  I told my trainer, cuz I want her to take it easy on me. I told another supervisor who I really am fond of and I told an employee who I really trust and have come to admire. I want to tell Rachel and probably will tomorrow!

I will be telling my boss when I have my first ultrasound, so probably in 2 weeks. If I can hold out that long. I always see it as job protection when I am pregnant. I want to reassure them that I will stick it out to the end. 

I am just so confident this time.  Not cocky. Not over. Just a really good feeling. 

And today's $store test had a darker line than yesterday! That's a good thing.

BUT WAIT...

....My Body wants to fuck with me some more this month!

On Tuesday night before I left for school, I saw the spotting had started.  I fully expected AF to show over night.  Wednesday morning, more spotting and a little bit throughout the day.  I had a meeting with my personal trainer and I worked out hard!  I continued on my day, fully waiting/expecting the flo to start. Still minimal spotting.

Woke today and took my temp, still up there at 36.71 (at one hour past my 'normal' waking time.)  This means that it would probably be about 36.61 had I woke at 6 am and taken it.  However, even tho this month's temping has been sporadic and haphazard, my body is pretty consistent with its pre and post-O temps.  My cover line is usually between 36.4 and 36.5.  So a temp of 36.6 isn't that great, it could indicate a big drop, really. 

But I can be excited, can't I?

Wow! I'm perfect!

Even with a chemical pregnancy this month, on day 5 of my cycle, I still managed to ovulate on time and at 11DPO, my dear Aunt Flo showed.

**sigh**

I was stupidly optimistic that this month just might be the one.  The one after the "miscarriage" where you are SUPER fertile and WHAM-O! Pregnant.  But no, not me.  Apparently my body does not want to be pregnant. It's just my head and heart.

So in less than a week I get to meet with the Ob and then it is onto the drugs....

Happy Birthday To Me!

I am 33 today.  Not a milestone birthday but it feels difficult none the less. In the next year of my life I have some hopes and goals.

My first goal is simply to lose 30 more pounds.  I am still fluctuating at 25 lbs.  The biggest thing I need to learn is how to not soothe my feelings or deal with tough times through eating.  I had gone 1.5 months with no fast food.  The last 2 weeks, that's all I have eaten.  And it shows. My face is broken out like no tomorrow, I feel sluggish and blah and I have definately gained some weight.  When I put it in perspective, I am definately disappointed in myself and that's okay.  I still am struggling to learn this lesson.  That the food will not make me feel better.  It does not fill the void or undue the anger, bitterness and worry. It does not reduce my stress level and only adds to any guilt I already feel. 

Life will always throw curve balls at you and it is how you stand to bat that will determine what base you will get to.  Me, I seem to swing wildly with my eyes close and give up before the ump yells "STRIKE THREE"  I head back to the bleachers and soothe myself with some fries and chocolate and any other handy food.  Learning to bat with my eyes open and accept a "walk" when I've missed those curve balls.  And better yet when bat and ball connect and I hit it out of the park and run the bases and score that home run.  And there may be scuffed knees along the way and I may want to quit, but I should never give up.

Quite Blue

So it is a week later and I still don't know what's going on.  Over the weekend and even this morning I could see lines, almost invisible, but I could still see them.  I went and had another Beta just too see.  The Dr asked me if I had symptoms, to which I replied "Yes, but they are psycho symptomatic."  A few boob twinges and feeling tired but that could almost be normal for me.  I made an appointment for next week to go over the results of my "day 3" testing, which who the hell knows if they will be accurate. 

I arrived home and my Dr's office called. The receptionist told me the news, "Your test was positive and the Dr wants to do your pre-natal physical ASAP so can you do that on the 3rd when you come in?"  I gently explained to her that I was no longer pregnant and that I would call tomorrow to confirm those test results. She really didn't know what to say. So I said goodbye.

So now I am quite blue. I burnt my tounge on my tea and spilt it in my bed and immediately started crying. I had a 2.5 hour nap and feel slightly better.  Until I went on BBC and FF.  Looking for some people to talk to.  What I hate is when I find a group of gals TTC for over 1 year or who have multiple losses but one or some already have living children.  I want a group of gals who have been trying 5+ years with multiple losses and no children, not adopted, not step. Is that selfish and wrong? I understand that the pain of loss is the same weather you have kids already or not. But the difference is hope. You have already succeeded once or twice at something I have not and don't know that I ever will. Yes I can understand your desire to be a mother again but can you understand my desire to be a mother once? And maybe you spent a lot of time getting to number one and you can sympathize and I really do love hearing your success story, but we are in different places now and even though you can empathize with my situation, I really can't relate to yours. I am childless. So I am sounding bitter and frustrated and maybe irrational. Well I am. Like I said in my last post, I am just mad that I get BFP's after AF has come and gone.  Like, what is wrong with me? 

So I am blue today.

Number 5

Can it really be a loss when there was nothing there?  I can't believe this is happening to me AGAIN.  Well, no actually, I can!

Recap: Last week at 11DPO, right on schedule, temp dropped and spotting started. AF from Thursday to Sunday, more or less.  Was having the nagging feeling to test.  BFN, no big deal. I was quite looking forward to this month as we have a little trip planned around O time.  Night after BFN had dream of POAS. Tuesday night around 10:30, sure as shit, a BFP. Are you kidding me?

I am kind of sad that I wasn't "happy" about it.  Had I actually missed a period and not just had one, I would have been ecstatic! I told the Captain and he was pretty excited.  I really wish I would have not told him.

Wednesday I got a really nice BFP in the AM and went for the bloodwork.  All day long it was waves of excitement and nervousness and of course, that bad feeling at the back of my head. 

Thursday morning I took 2 different tests and they were as close to negative without being so.  Disappointed. Deflated. Pissed off.  Called Dr's office and my number yesterday was 28. Meh. I am supposed to go back tomorrow for more bloodwork but I am thinking I will not.  I think I will test it out over the weekend. If there is still something there Monday AM I will go and have another test done.  Just to keep an eye on the possibility of an ectopic.

So needless to say both hubby and I are sad. I hate seeing him sad and so close to tears. It kills me inside.  I need to wait next time, wait until I am about ready to deliver before telling him or anyone. LMAO.

Mostly though I am pissed.  I had a great plan for this month and I knew if it didn't work that by April I would be riding the Clom.id train. So this is just another way of fate saying "Don't make plans Heather, that's my job."  Now I have to wait for a normal cycle again, which my past experiences leave me knowing it could take a good 3 months to regulate. 

I have question what the heck is wrong with me?  Hopefully the Dr will be able to help me out.

Something has Changed

I went to a 3 year old's birthday today, the oldest child guest being about 9 and the youngest about 2 months. There was a clown and facepainting and ice cream cake. Fun times.  The last 2 years I did not attend this child's birthday party. Too many babies.  But knowing this year, most of the babies were now toddlers made it much easier to accept the invitation and actually show up. (I think I surprised my friend, I know I have surprised myself.)  And the good news is that I made it through the day without crying or pondering "why them, not me too?" Yes I did think about my last pregnancy being about 3 years ago.  I remember visiting the newborn at the hospital, KNOWING in my heart I was pregnant, even though it was still to early to tell. I was excited to be having a child in the same year as my best friend. Exactly one month later I was in hospital dealing with a painful ectopic.

This time of year is especially dificult for me. 3 out of 4 pregnancies were around this time. Two were due in October and one due in September. All three lost in March.  The one not lost in March, due in March. Meh. This last cycle would have resulted in a due date of October 22, the same as my very first BFP. Crazy, huh? But it didn't. And I am good with that, honest. And March 15th this year won't result in a m/c, this much I know.  March 15 this year will be an appointment filled with hopes and dreams and Rx for some miracle drugs. 

But I have hope, as well, that my March 15th appoinment will hear me saying, "Well, Doc, I came for fertility drugs, but please hit me up with some progesterone, because, we did it on our own!" 

Sure, the fear still lingers that I will never be pregnant again or if I am will I make it the whole 9 yards? But each day, I have a little more faith that yes, I will. And soon.

So yes, my outlook and optimisim are changing positively. I have started to loose weight again and can feel that I will soon be reaping the rewards of my hard work. 

Something has Changed....

Rub Mah Belly For Luck!

It seems that every infertility blog I start reading or any group on Canada's Baby.center that I join, the BFP's start rolling in.  This always happens. I start perusing a new blog and click on some of the blogs she reads and then sure enough within the month or two, that person is pregnant.  So if you are struggling to get pregnant, ask me to read your blog, it seems I am the missing link. Just Kidding, if only it were that easy.
On Fertility.Friend 2 out of 7 of us are pregnant and we created our group just before Christmas.  On BB.C there are about 4 so far this month that will be due in October.  As you can guess, I am not one of them. 

I have been working with a personal trainer this month and have lost 3 pounds FINALLY.  I had been stuck at 23 pounds since August.  I am only 2 pounds away from my next big goal.  Finally.  Honest with myself and knowing I wasn't giving it my all.  I have been serious about what I amm putting in my mouth--Is this worth the 25 minute training session I just had? NOPE.  The daily treats add up quickly and when you have to do something like a dinner out or birthdays, which are plenty this month, you continually maintain and see no more loss. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have maintained my loss, that in itself is a great success.

In 32 days I have my Dr's appointment and I am very excited.  There will be the possibility that I will be getting to the appointment with a BFP in hand, and if not, I will leave the appointment with a Rx for some super drugs and hopefully April will provide us with a Spring Blossom! 

So today, life is good. 

Made it 11 Days...Wooh Whoo

I made it 11 DPO before she arrived. Yippee.  I just re-read my last blog and realize I need to put the themometers away and go from there. 

I have been stressed to the max lately.  And upset and a little confused, I guess.  The other day I posted my FB status as "Bitter".  I got a few good responses to not let bitterness take a hold of me and yada yada yada. But why am I bitter?  My 20 year old classmate excitedly told me she was 8 weeks pregnant. It took me a few minutes to congratulate her.  I honestly didn't feel congrats were in order.  Talk about bitter. But what can I do, really?  Not much. 

Now I have a sister in law planning her wedding. No date set yet. Supposed to be a cruise.  Will we go?  Most of me really would like to go. But the rest of me really hopes I am too pregnant or just had a baby for that to happen. However, we will plan for this, and maybe that will be the infertility cure. Pay for a cruise and WHAM-O pregnant. I know, I heard it happened to that girls' sister's best friend's mom's boyfriends' daughter who tried 11 whole months to get pregnant and the moment they planned a big trip, well, you know the story.

The stress is not only from TTC, but school, work and home need to be balanced better.  I think I took the right step today and dropped one of my 3 classes this semester.  I felt a huge releif as soon as I hit the button.  Part of me (of course) is worried that I have now "failed".  Last semester I handled it well. This semester I tried to make my school schedule more conducive to working, so I was going to school Mondays and Wednesdays from 10:00-11:20 and Tuesday nights 7p-10.  But on Mondays and Wednesdays I may work 12:30-8:30, so it makes for a long day.  I know others do it and some even have kids at home.  However, I am still learning how to be that woman.  It is someone I desperately want to be.

This week I have a goal: to call and make an appointment! The referral was sent in October. I am ready to be pregnant.

8 DPO and I digress....ALOT

I started taking my BBT in October when I came off the pill.  True to form I ovulated around day 16. And I waited for 12 DPO for Auntie to send her dog Spot to visit.  But suprisingly, 8DPO, my temp took a nose dive and Spot arrived.  Not the good one either, AKA implantation bleeding.  The next day my temp was still down and Aunt Flo visited.  I chalked it up to first month off the pill. And on my merry way I went.

November to December same thing. Ovulate day 16ish and at 8DPO, temp drop and spot. Shucks. Okay, just my body adjusting.  I didn't have this problem last year. 

Now I am 8DPO and guess what? Temp drop. PMS symptoms. The inevitable awaits me tomorrow, I'm sure. 

Why is it so hard to forget about the length of my cycle?  For one month can I put the thermometer away?  Can I not look to see what cycle day I am on?  Can I forget what day the EWCM starts and ends and when we DTD that month?  Maybe.  I am into challenges lately.  I find that challenging myself makes me more aware.  I lost a challenge to Captain today.  The challenge was to hang our coats on the coat rack everyday or else give the other person half of our "allowance" (yes we have allowances-more later and yes we are in our 30's but can't hang up our coats!) I came home friom school, excited for lunch and promptly threw my coat on the back of the chair. It took the Captain about 5 minutes until he realized he was ten bucks richer.  Awww shucks.  But have I learnt my lesson? Possibly. Hopefully.

So my challenge for this next cycle.  Put the themometer away. Use FF but only for the group aspect of it. Turn off my ticker even. Will this get me pregnant? Probably not.  Will I obsess less about pregnancy? Hopefully. It is getting tiring.

I was talking to a newlywed at work and we were discussing TTC--well more like I was telling her when it is optimal and all about EWCM and all that fun stuff.  She asked a question about how long we'd been trying. "8 years", I said. Shock on her face.  I told her I wasn't trying to scare her, but I wish I knew then....

That is the slippery slope of this journey.  The community wants it to be known that IF exists and that it is a medical disability and it sucks and we shouldn't be ashamed. But when I share sometimes, I feel like I am creating tiny ocd monsters in others.  "What if I have the same problem as Heather?" "What if it takes me 8, 9, 10, 15+ years?" "What IF?"  As much as I love educating others on how to get pregnant, I almost hate having to say "but this could  happen also." I feel like I am taking their pregnancy 'virginity' from them, as I am wrecking what should be a fun and joyous time for a couple.  Having lots of sex and peeing on sticks, you know, for the first 6 months.  After that, it starts to get scary for most! So maybe now, when someone asks, I can just give the pregnancy pointers and add on "If you are not pregnant after 6 months, come back and see me!"  And maybe I'll start charging for this service. HMMMM?

Anyways, I will challenge myself to not count anything this next cycle, focus on losing more weight and maybe do homework each day! I need to be positive!

2011!

Happy New Year! 

This year I am looking forward to many things.  I am looking forward to living life to the fullest and continuing on the lifestyle changes I have been making that will help me accomplish my goals. 

Mostly I look forward to having a baby.  My new thing is being positive.  I guess a "resolution" of sorts.  Stop feeling sorry for myself.  Stop asking 'Why them and not me?' or 'When's it my turn?'  I hate when people tell me it'll happen when it happens and when you least expect it!  When I least expect it would be when I am 50! Until then I will expect it, but with patience.  BUT it will happen when it happens, obviously!

I guess, as I have recently or am ovulating as I type, I have the excitement of possibility. Excited that this could be it! And even as I type that, I have to push the thought "But it's probably not" to the back of my mind!  AUGGHHHH.  Only other infertiles can understand this!

Other than that, I am re-starting my Spark!! I have been reading The Spark, by Chris Downie and I am looking forward to continuing my success!  As I read this book, there are so many things that make sense now.  I am so amazed that I didn't realize it years ago, the girl who KNEW everything there was about losing weight, but never did.  It is not about the "diet" but the so many other things.  Building blocks and Cornerstones.
So here are my resolutions:
1. Learn to zip.  I share TMI so often.  I need to engage my filter! But on here, anything goes, so read at your own risk!
2.Continue to learn and develop new healthy habits that will stick with me the rest of my life.
I guess that's it.