When do you want to know?

In the weeks leading up to my appointment, I went about life as normal. I went to school, work and continued to exercise. About a week before my appointment I felt really tired during a work shift. This was weird because I had just worked out and always had lots of energy.  However, I had some spotting so I assumed my period was coming and maybe this was why. I remember being pretty grumpy to. The spotting lasted less than two days. By the end of the second day I had this feeling.  I was so tired. If you took my chemical pregnancy out of the equation, my period was now due. My normal lutel phase was 9-11 days, according to the previous charting I had done. So off to the dollar store I went.

I got home and snuck the test to the bathroom. I took the test and waited. I saw a line. I went to the kitchen and had dinner with the hubby. I didn't know what to do at this point. The line was faint, possibly an evaporation line. I waited till we were finished dinner and I asked Charles "The next time I'm pregnant, when do you want to know?" He laughed and said he wasn't sure. Then it clicked.  I told him I was actually "late", although I had spotted, no period had come. I was extremely tired. I begged him to go to the store and buy me an HPT--a first response--a good one!! I went to bed right away, I was so tired.

When I woke up a few hours later to pee, I saw the test, but decided to wait. At 4:30 am I peed on that stick and watched the control line come up. I didn't see a second line. Oh well, I thought. I showered and when I got out I looked again, of course. There it was. A second line. A little  faint, but a line is a line is a line!! Right away I had this feeling "this is it!" This was my pregnancy that would result in a baby!

I surprised both Charles and myself by not running to get blood work done. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant. We so wanted to share the good news when the time was right.

I was so happy that I already had an OB appointment for March 15. Like I had told myself, this year would be great!  Dr. H was very happy for me and started the blood work monitoring. He told me that magic number he expected.  I had this feeling that it would meet his expectations.  It didn't.

I did not get disouraged. Although it was lower than what he wanted, it was within a normal range for how long I figured I was. (Remember my birthday weekend away...)

The next number it had risen 5x's!  It should double, so I was naturally stoked. I thought it was twins. My numbers continued to rise appropriately.  An ultrasound was set for my 7th week.

Around 6 weeks I bled. I freaked out. The Dr put me on bed rest until he could do an ultrasound later in the week.  The bleeding was a one time thing that week. By the time the U/S was performed the bleeding was long gone and I was feeling positive again about the pregnancy. And sure enough there was a heartbeat!

I had another episode of bleeding at 10 weeks but again everything was okay.

At 33 weeks and 5 days, I delivered a healthy baby girl. Here birth story is here. 

So it's been quite the year.

8 DPO and I digress....ALOT

I started taking my BBT in October when I came off the pill.  True to form I ovulated around day 16. And I waited for 12 DPO for Auntie to send her dog Spot to visit.  But suprisingly, 8DPO, my temp took a nose dive and Spot arrived.  Not the good one either, AKA implantation bleeding.  The next day my temp was still down and Aunt Flo visited.  I chalked it up to first month off the pill. And on my merry way I went.

November to December same thing. Ovulate day 16ish and at 8DPO, temp drop and spot. Shucks. Okay, just my body adjusting.  I didn't have this problem last year. 

Now I am 8DPO and guess what? Temp drop. PMS symptoms. The inevitable awaits me tomorrow, I'm sure. 

Why is it so hard to forget about the length of my cycle?  For one month can I put the thermometer away?  Can I not look to see what cycle day I am on?  Can I forget what day the EWCM starts and ends and when we DTD that month?  Maybe.  I am into challenges lately.  I find that challenging myself makes me more aware.  I lost a challenge to Captain today.  The challenge was to hang our coats on the coat rack everyday or else give the other person half of our "allowance" (yes we have allowances-more later and yes we are in our 30's but can't hang up our coats!) I came home friom school, excited for lunch and promptly threw my coat on the back of the chair. It took the Captain about 5 minutes until he realized he was ten bucks richer.  Awww shucks.  But have I learnt my lesson? Possibly. Hopefully.

So my challenge for this next cycle.  Put the themometer away. Use FF but only for the group aspect of it. Turn off my ticker even. Will this get me pregnant? Probably not.  Will I obsess less about pregnancy? Hopefully. It is getting tiring.

I was talking to a newlywed at work and we were discussing TTC--well more like I was telling her when it is optimal and all about EWCM and all that fun stuff.  She asked a question about how long we'd been trying. "8 years", I said. Shock on her face.  I told her I wasn't trying to scare her, but I wish I knew then....

That is the slippery slope of this journey.  The community wants it to be known that IF exists and that it is a medical disability and it sucks and we shouldn't be ashamed. But when I share sometimes, I feel like I am creating tiny ocd monsters in others.  "What if I have the same problem as Heather?" "What if it takes me 8, 9, 10, 15+ years?" "What IF?"  As much as I love educating others on how to get pregnant, I almost hate having to say "but this could  happen also." I feel like I am taking their pregnancy 'virginity' from them, as I am wrecking what should be a fun and joyous time for a couple.  Having lots of sex and peeing on sticks, you know, for the first 6 months.  After that, it starts to get scary for most! So maybe now, when someone asks, I can just give the pregnancy pointers and add on "If you are not pregnant after 6 months, come back and see me!"  And maybe I'll start charging for this service. HMMMM?

Anyways, I will challenge myself to not count anything this next cycle, focus on losing more weight and maybe do homework each day! I need to be positive!