Quite Blue

So it is a week later and I still don't know what's going on.  Over the weekend and even this morning I could see lines, almost invisible, but I could still see them.  I went and had another Beta just too see.  The Dr asked me if I had symptoms, to which I replied "Yes, but they are psycho symptomatic."  A few boob twinges and feeling tired but that could almost be normal for me.  I made an appointment for next week to go over the results of my "day 3" testing, which who the hell knows if they will be accurate. 

I arrived home and my Dr's office called. The receptionist told me the news, "Your test was positive and the Dr wants to do your pre-natal physical ASAP so can you do that on the 3rd when you come in?"  I gently explained to her that I was no longer pregnant and that I would call tomorrow to confirm those test results. She really didn't know what to say. So I said goodbye.

So now I am quite blue. I burnt my tounge on my tea and spilt it in my bed and immediately started crying. I had a 2.5 hour nap and feel slightly better.  Until I went on BBC and FF.  Looking for some people to talk to.  What I hate is when I find a group of gals TTC for over 1 year or who have multiple losses but one or some already have living children.  I want a group of gals who have been trying 5+ years with multiple losses and no children, not adopted, not step. Is that selfish and wrong? I understand that the pain of loss is the same weather you have kids already or not. But the difference is hope. You have already succeeded once or twice at something I have not and don't know that I ever will. Yes I can understand your desire to be a mother again but can you understand my desire to be a mother once? And maybe you spent a lot of time getting to number one and you can sympathize and I really do love hearing your success story, but we are in different places now and even though you can empathize with my situation, I really can't relate to yours. I am childless. So I am sounding bitter and frustrated and maybe irrational. Well I am. Like I said in my last post, I am just mad that I get BFP's after AF has come and gone.  Like, what is wrong with me? 

So I am blue today.

Number 5

Can it really be a loss when there was nothing there?  I can't believe this is happening to me AGAIN.  Well, no actually, I can!

Recap: Last week at 11DPO, right on schedule, temp dropped and spotting started. AF from Thursday to Sunday, more or less.  Was having the nagging feeling to test.  BFN, no big deal. I was quite looking forward to this month as we have a little trip planned around O time.  Night after BFN had dream of POAS. Tuesday night around 10:30, sure as shit, a BFP. Are you kidding me?

I am kind of sad that I wasn't "happy" about it.  Had I actually missed a period and not just had one, I would have been ecstatic! I told the Captain and he was pretty excited.  I really wish I would have not told him.

Wednesday I got a really nice BFP in the AM and went for the bloodwork.  All day long it was waves of excitement and nervousness and of course, that bad feeling at the back of my head. 

Thursday morning I took 2 different tests and they were as close to negative without being so.  Disappointed. Deflated. Pissed off.  Called Dr's office and my number yesterday was 28. Meh. I am supposed to go back tomorrow for more bloodwork but I am thinking I will not.  I think I will test it out over the weekend. If there is still something there Monday AM I will go and have another test done.  Just to keep an eye on the possibility of an ectopic.

So needless to say both hubby and I are sad. I hate seeing him sad and so close to tears. It kills me inside.  I need to wait next time, wait until I am about ready to deliver before telling him or anyone. LMAO.

Mostly though I am pissed.  I had a great plan for this month and I knew if it didn't work that by April I would be riding the Clom.id train. So this is just another way of fate saying "Don't make plans Heather, that's my job."  Now I have to wait for a normal cycle again, which my past experiences leave me knowing it could take a good 3 months to regulate. 

I have question what the heck is wrong with me?  Hopefully the Dr will be able to help me out.

Something has Changed

I went to a 3 year old's birthday today, the oldest child guest being about 9 and the youngest about 2 months. There was a clown and facepainting and ice cream cake. Fun times.  The last 2 years I did not attend this child's birthday party. Too many babies.  But knowing this year, most of the babies were now toddlers made it much easier to accept the invitation and actually show up. (I think I surprised my friend, I know I have surprised myself.)  And the good news is that I made it through the day without crying or pondering "why them, not me too?" Yes I did think about my last pregnancy being about 3 years ago.  I remember visiting the newborn at the hospital, KNOWING in my heart I was pregnant, even though it was still to early to tell. I was excited to be having a child in the same year as my best friend. Exactly one month later I was in hospital dealing with a painful ectopic.

This time of year is especially dificult for me. 3 out of 4 pregnancies were around this time. Two were due in October and one due in September. All three lost in March.  The one not lost in March, due in March. Meh. This last cycle would have resulted in a due date of October 22, the same as my very first BFP. Crazy, huh? But it didn't. And I am good with that, honest. And March 15th this year won't result in a m/c, this much I know.  March 15 this year will be an appointment filled with hopes and dreams and Rx for some miracle drugs. 

But I have hope, as well, that my March 15th appoinment will hear me saying, "Well, Doc, I came for fertility drugs, but please hit me up with some progesterone, because, we did it on our own!" 

Sure, the fear still lingers that I will never be pregnant again or if I am will I make it the whole 9 yards? But each day, I have a little more faith that yes, I will. And soon.

So yes, my outlook and optimisim are changing positively. I have started to loose weight again and can feel that I will soon be reaping the rewards of my hard work. 

Something has Changed....

Rub Mah Belly For Luck!

It seems that every infertility blog I start reading or any group on Canada's Baby.center that I join, the BFP's start rolling in.  This always happens. I start perusing a new blog and click on some of the blogs she reads and then sure enough within the month or two, that person is pregnant.  So if you are struggling to get pregnant, ask me to read your blog, it seems I am the missing link. Just Kidding, if only it were that easy.
On Fertility.Friend 2 out of 7 of us are pregnant and we created our group just before Christmas.  On BB.C there are about 4 so far this month that will be due in October.  As you can guess, I am not one of them. 

I have been working with a personal trainer this month and have lost 3 pounds FINALLY.  I had been stuck at 23 pounds since August.  I am only 2 pounds away from my next big goal.  Finally.  Honest with myself and knowing I wasn't giving it my all.  I have been serious about what I amm putting in my mouth--Is this worth the 25 minute training session I just had? NOPE.  The daily treats add up quickly and when you have to do something like a dinner out or birthdays, which are plenty this month, you continually maintain and see no more loss. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have maintained my loss, that in itself is a great success.

In 32 days I have my Dr's appointment and I am very excited.  There will be the possibility that I will be getting to the appointment with a BFP in hand, and if not, I will leave the appointment with a Rx for some super drugs and hopefully April will provide us with a Spring Blossom! 

So today, life is good.