Happy Mother's Day

12 weeks (pretty much).

Spotting this week, saw the baby again! Heartrate was 196. Measured a day ahead. Still spotting, brown. Trying not to worry but it's hard.

Thursday night started "post-nasal drip" which is generally caused by allergies. Friday, feeling worse, saturday seemed to be better and this morning I woke up not able to talk, due to it having moved to my chest! So I had to cancel my plans with my Mom and wasn't able to go to The Ridge with DH's family! I went to the clinic and I have an ear infection. On some penicilin. Can only take tylenol.  Over the past few days though, I have taken some sinus tylenol and a benedryl, hoping they were safe enough. I did look in my book and on the web.  There were indications of birth defects but you have to wonder if it is from using it sporadically or daily use? Trying not freak out, knowing what my SIL took before she found out she was pregnant and my nephew is fine.

I had thought that today might be an easier Mother's day than some of my past ones.  It was but there is still sadness.  First, I am not out on "face-book" yet. So no wishes from my family even. As well, many people who know of my losses are not going to see me as a mom. I have no living childern. But I carried a few in my womb, even for a short while. So it still hurts to not get the wishes from people.

I then par took in my favourite Sunday activity... http://www.postsecret.com/ I knew that many of the secrets would be about mom's.  But a few started me bawling. 
One said "I am 34 and told I have bad eggs. My mom asks me everyday when she is going to be grandmother. I don't have the heart to tell her." 

The next one put me over the edge "Happy Mother's Day. I fear those are word's I'll never hear." Even though I am almost to the safety zone, I still fear that I will not hear those words. It is a fear I have had for the past 5 years.  It comes from underneath the optimistic and ever hopeful, from a place where probability and dispair lurk.  It comes from the "What if this one doesn't work out?" Do we try again and again? Or do we admit defeat and choose a child free life?  At this point I would be embarassed if I lost this baby. Embarassed! I would loath the pity people would send my way. The theories as to why I cannot have children.

So Happy Mother's day.  I pray this is the last one where I am saying it and not hearing it.