I had dreamed of being mother since I was a little girl. It was the one thing that stayed consistent in my little book of "What do you want to be when you grow up?" When I was a teen I had a suspicious feeling that I would not get pregnant easily. I mean really, I had unprotected sex daily from the age 14 on. Just kidding. No it was just a sixth sense that I had. Not only was I overweight but I had bad cystic acne (not even Accu.tane has conquered it), facial hair (that's HOT!) and a few other symptoms of the PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Alas, I was already on the treatment plan for that disease, the PILL.
Move on a few years and I meet and fall in love with Captain Chuck. I don't call him this really, but I think I might start. He Loves the Trek! I digress, so we bought a dog, a house and then got married. Knowing what I knew, I went of the pill 4 months before we married, so we could start trying on our honey money. And according to my calender and ovulation calculators, I would be ovulating on my honeymoon.
Or so I thought.
Did you know that you ovulate 14 days BEFORE your Aunt Flo visits? NO? Me neither. I paid attention in health class and I knew that on day 14 of my cycle I could get pregnant. Oh, but wait; that's only for normal, pretty,skinny, popular girls who have the perfect 28 day cycle! (The only thing I am not is skinny and 28 day cycle). So knowing this...I made sure we timed things from day 11 to day 14! Funny thing is, my cycle is 30-36 days long, generally, and therefore I don't ovulate until about day 16. So even if we were DTD on day 14, by then it was all "young" sperms, and apparently, they couldn't find my eggs two darn days later.
By December 2003, I told my Family Doc that I couldn't get pregnant and he sent me to an RE. This RE basically told me I was too fat and that is why I wasn't getting pregnant and he couldn't help me if I didn't lose some weight. Well this devastated me. It made me angry at the Doc and I said 'Screw You' and promptly gained 10 pounds! I sure showed him. Looking back, if he would have explained more about why being fat was a factor in all this, I may have listened. If he would have told me about how fat produces the wrong or too much hormones, then maybe I would have been more receptive. Meh.
So for two more years we diligently DTD from day 11-14. Nada.
In 2006 I switched jobs and took a less stressful (or so I thought) job, within the same company. I am not sure if I had been reading more about fertility, but I just knew one Sunday afternoon, that if we DTD I would surely get pregnant. So we did. And I did.
I started testing 14ish days after that fateful Sunday afternoon. And got negatives. Oh well. Then Aunt Flo arrived. I quit smoking (the first time) and continued on my merry way. A week after AF had come and gone, I had a dream that said 'Take a test." So I did and I ran into the bedroom that morning and yelled at Chuck "Two Lines, I got two lines." In his groggy state he thought I had installed a second phone line. Needless to say, we were pretty excited. We told everyone. And then the spotting started and by the end of the week I no longer had "Two Lines". At least, in our naivety we were happy we got pregnant and felt that i would be pregnant again in no time.
Being me, it took forever to get a normal cycle back. And we tried and tried. And tried. That summer I had a really long cycle. I think it went from June until August. Again I had a dream that told me to "take a test". And I did and it was positive. I headed to my Dr for some blood work and the numbers were great! However, I had no idea when I would have gotten pregnant. So blood work and an early ultrasound. The ultrasound showed nothing. "It's just too early." the tech said. But I knew better. My hCG level was well over 10,000 and there should be something in there. Then the brown spotting started. I read many posts about brown spotting being okay. But it wasn't. Finally I was given another ultrasound, which showed nothing in my uterus and a cyst on my cervix. I am guessing that it was an ectopic pregnancy. The worst thing about an ultrasound that shows an empty womb, is not being told right away. False hope. We were pretty devastated. I went on the pill, as I needed a break from the trying.
A few months later, I was ready again. I stopped taking the pill that December, 2006. We went on a lovely trip to Arizona to visit my parents. And when we returned from the trip, I got pregnant. BUT I didn't know it. I had a feeling I was pregnant from the moment it happened, but sure as shit, Aunt Flo showed up, a little early, but what could expect the first month off the pill? A week later I was at work asking if a stomach flu was flying around as I felt queasy. And then of course a dream and some 'feelings'. So I took a test and sure enough, two lines. My hCG levels rose accordingly and things seemed well. But at 5 weeks and 1 day, I had some MAJOR cramping and we rushed to the hospital. An ultrasound showed a heartbeat and a little bean. We were thrilled. This is it. A week later some spotting/gushes happened and back to the ER we went. And there was still a heartbeat and still a bean. However, within a week the little bean no longer had a heartbeat, something I didn't know for a good 3 weeks after! Sheesh.
And then the depression started. For both of us. Our marriage was rocky. We were unhappy. I gained weight, the Captain lost some. It was just a horrible time.
So we took a long break. I went back on the pill. In January 2008 I went off the pill, unbeknownst to the Captain. In early February I fell pregnant again. It was funny, cuz as soon as we were done, cough, ahem, DTD, I exclaimed "You just knocked me up!". And I waited the 10 days to start testing and promptly got a BFN. Then good old Auntie showed up. But I was so freaking hot at night, it was crazy. And then the dream, again, telling me to test. So I did and a BFP appeared. Blood tests revealed a very low hCG, so low I was surprised I even got a positive test two days prior. My levels doubled for the next week and even though the Dr was pessimistic I was optimistic. I just thought this had to be it. HAHAHAHAHAHA....HA!
By March 14th I was in excruciating pain and sure enough, this little bugger had implanted in my tube. So a shot in my ass and a stay in the hospital ended that one. That was March 2008.
And I haven't had a BFP since. Sigh.
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